This Is Seriously Ridiculous!

Wow, I really need to lose weight! I hate living life huge and uncomfortable. I just want to be normal sized and feel pretty in my own body for once! I don't want people to be grossed out when they see me, I want them to think how pretty I look when I walk by. I want to be able to wear the cutest clothes and accessories without looking ridiculous! I'm tired of being fat. Why is this so hard for me to do? Why can't I eat right, exercise and lose this weight. Why am I addicted to high calorie crap! This has to stop! I have to make a promise to myself, tomorrow I am NOT EATING BADLY. No matter what it takes, I will eat healthy and I wont splurge.

Not so Great

I don't know why, but it is just so hard for me to avoid eating junk food. I look at all these pretty clothes I wish I could fit into and everything but for some reason I just can't get enough motivation to achieve my goals. I am taking this slow, but I still wish I was more aware of what I was eating. I just ate a bowl of ice cream and 6 Oreos. Wow, that sounds even worse typed out. I had pancakes for breakfast and baked chicken breast with mac and cheese and corn for lunch. So that isn't too bad, just the sweets are my biggest problem. I wish I could get some kind of motivation.
Does anyone have any ideas? What motivates you to lose weight?

When I think back about when I was in middle school and high school, I can't get over how much I have changed! I mean, in middle school I thought I was going to be this great successful artist after I graduated high school. I was such a sweet, innocent kid. Everyone loved me. My family still talked and everyone loved each other. I had my grandma and my great grandma and my aunt. Most importantly, I had my parents together. For the most part they loved each other.
Then switch to my high school years and everything changed! My baby brother was born not breathing, my great grandma died. My grandma died. All of this changed my mom so much. She became bitter and grouchy, so my dad couldn't get along with her anymore. They constantly fought, and eventually divorced. Then I lived with my mom and sister until I convinced my mom to move out and let dad move in the house. There is a good reasoning behind my stupid decision I suppose. My mom had a job that payed a little over minimum wage and she was having trouble paying the bills. Our internet and phone got cut off. Eventually the cable and water was cut off. The power was next. How could we live without all of that? I was scared and worried about everything, so I suggested that my mom move out and get an apartment of her own that was cheaper than the house payment and that she could let dad move in and my sister and I could live with him. He has a really good paying job and has always been able to support us.
So mom moved out and dad moved in. He promised he would not move in any of his girlfriends or anyone until he knew it was serious and they were good people. He was there about two weeks and already had someone move in. At first I thought she was nice and a good person. Slowly her true personality came through, to everyone. She was on drugs, she stole, and she was a habitual liar. She was so fake and she made my life miserable! They broke up a few times, but she came back. Eventually she finally moved out. Then it wasn't even a week I think and he had another woman there. Then she moved her kids in! One was 2 and one was 4. I liked the kids at first, and we all got along. Eventually those kids were so mean and annoying I couldn't stand to come home everyday. Surprisingly I never had any problems with the girlfriend though.
My mom lost her job, and she couldn't pay for her apartment anymore. This is the part where I really regret asking her to move out. She met this guy who I really liked at first. He was cool and nice and everything. Just like my dad's first girlfriend, his true colors started to show through eventually. He treats my mom really bad and cheats on her. He lies to her and everything. My mom got pregnant by him, so now I have a baby brother named Lucas that I love with all of my heart! The thing is, my mom can never get away from this deadbeat guy now because she doesn't want to keep his kid away from him. He doesn't have a job or a car or anything. I really do not like him! He has treated us bad and talked about my sister and I and everything. My mom deserves so much better than him. Since she moved out of the house, she changed so much. She wasn't so grouchy anymore and she seemed happier at first. Now she is miserable and can't get ahead. She's stuck and I can't help her. I really wish I could, but I don't know what to do. She stays with her "boyfriend" and Lucas at some guys house. She says she has everything she needs, I hope she's telling the truth.
After graduating from high school in May, I moved to New Jersey to live with my boyfriend of two and a half years, Chris<3 He is truly a great guy. He makes me feel so special and loved all the time. I've been looking for a job since I moved here, but I haven't got one yet. I've had two interviews and no luck. I think my lack of experience is what the problem is. I have to start somewhere though. I really wish someone would give me a chance.
I have no idea what I want to do with my life in the next couple of years. I've thought about going to culinary school or being a photographer. Lately I've considered being a cosmetologist. School is only around $14,000 and I'll be making about $30,000 when I get a job as a hairdresser so it sounds good to me. I'm just stuck. I have no idea what to do! I guess I'll start applying for jobs again and see if I can get hired somewhere.

I did not eat very well yesterday. I am kind of disappointed, but I will be fine. I'm not giving up though, I just have to get in the right mindset and make myself eat better. It's still a bit hard. Yesterday my boyfriend's mom offered to buy me a burger and fries and ice cream at a place called Cups. I'm not one to turn down offers like this, so I took it. Then I ate a fattening burger and fries and ice cream! Well it's actually frozen yogurt if that counts for anything? So now I feel pretty bad about it.
I ate a bagel for breakfast today, so that's good. I'll eat better today! :)

Doing Great

I have been making healthier choices everyday! I'm not saying I've stopped my sugar cravings yet, but I'll get there eventually. I had subway for lunch yesterday and then for dinner I had chicken and broccoli sauteed in Olive Oil with rice! I also had a small slice of pepperoni bread though. Not the best choice, but the rest of the day was fine so I guess it was okay. I've been walking a lot more, too. I'm really feeling great about everything! For breakfast today I had a lean pocket with eggs, cheese, and bacon in it. I just had a small bowl of ice cream, with caramel. So I have to watch the rest of my day.
Another accomplishment I've made is not stepping on the scale! I always had that obsession with the numbers, but since I'm taking everything slow, I don't have the desire to step on the scale every day. Change does not happen over night.

The Cheesecake Factory, a.k.a. YUM

Today I went to the best place in the world! The Cheesecake Factory! They make the best food ever. They also make really freakin' good cheesecake, hence the name. I got Lemon herd chicken with carrots and mashed potatoes. That chicken had so much flavor it was ridiculous! I couldn't stop eating, I was so stuffed. At least I ate something partially healthy. I'm sure it was not low calorie or anything along those lines, ha ha. However it was a really lean chicken breast and the carrots were there so that's good. The mashed potatoes weren't the best nutrition wise, but oh my goodness were they amazing! So I'm sure your mouth is watering now, your welcome. Now I did make a good choice about my cheesecake. They had like chocolaty ones and really bad for you ones. Instead I chose the plain low calorie cheesecake with strawberries.
It's all about small steps, so I'm trying. I played Just Dance 3 (I highly recommend this game!) for hours and hours today. I love that game so much. It keeps me active while I'm having a good time. I'd rather be dancing and moving instead of sitting on the couch wondering what to do while my boyfriend is at work.
I kept it small for dinner today since I had a lunch out. I had a turkey sandwich on wheat bread with cheese. I had baby organic carrots and a blueberry yogurt. Yum! I'm not saying I won't eat that left over chicken in the fridge from the Cheesecake factory, but considering I really didn't eat a lot today I think I will be okay. I'll never be perfect, but at least I am trying. :)

Well yesterday I didn't do as wonderful as I had hoped. Does that mean I gave up? Nope! I am sticking with the "baby steps" method. Others who have successfully lost weight claim that when you change everything drastically at first, it doesn't stick with you. You just get overwhelmed and quit. If you take small steps to change your life style and change one little thing everyday it will be a lot more effective. So that is what I am doing. I mean, who knows better than the people who have actually lost the weight, right?
Sometimes I think about the times I had tried and failed losing the weight and I kick myself for not sticking with it. It wasn't hard at the beginning, why is it so hard after a month!? Well my problem was expecting drastic results within a month. Yea, some people lose lots of weight in that amount of time. Does that mean I will? Apparently not! So I have a different mind set this time and I am going to stick with this. I can do it!